Dim Vavi's Daily Journal

World is shit testing me.  It is absolutely hilarious how in the month and year I declared my peace and gratitude focus life throws a bunch of events at me to test my resolve.  I am grateful for it though.  Previously it would have baffled me, "why" is it happening...  Now I know why - to allow me to be better, to practice exactly what I want.  I accept this gift.   I feel like I should rant a bit though, to get some perspective and insight… Firstly - there are two new girls in a month who wanted sex with me, enjoyed it and my company a lot, and then left.  Why the fuck - I just cannot understand this sudden switch.  Am I lacking something? Do I make some important mistakes? Why is this curse follows me? Secondly - How come these girls have blatant disregard for me, the connection we built and experiences we had. And can just say "It's not for me" and go away at random moment.  Where is the discussion, where is the attempt to compromise?...

Thank you for everything and everyone I have in my life.  I am so deeply grateful for it.  I love how my days look like.  I love what I get to experience and be happy about.  I love for my breakdowns and low moments to exist.  I love that I have the opportunity to learn.  I love that I get to share it too, that I can write and record and make life of someone and the world slightly better.  Thank you! Last week taught me a lot.  I got to see my ups and downs, I got to listen to myself.  I got to become more peaceful and loving. I got to ask for help of others, in different ways, from throwing tantrums to asking directly and saying how I need that.  I got to see that the world (ZA WARUDO, couldn't resist, haha), wants me to be happy.  There is always something for me there.  It is beautiful. I love it all.  I want to love it.

I am ok. My life is ok.  It is actually awesome. But it is ok.  I am so grateful to have all I have in life.  I am so grateful I get to be in this world and experience it all: both happy and hard moments.  I am glad for all of it. I am happy to be alive.  Yesterday date was amazing. I didn't feel like I deserved that kind of connection and intimacy.  It is still hard for me to believe I can be that valuable for someone. For them to enjoy being around and with me, as I am right now. But I guess I do deserve it. Maybe I am valuable.  I know I will always be valuable to the most important person in my life - me.  But I guess I can also add to someone's life by just being myself.  It feels good to know that.  Surreal. Unbelievable. Strange.  But Good

I feel paranoid - that I cannot even trust myself to do what I need to recover. That is ok, there is some reason for it.  Next step - recover trust. I can do that by listening closely to me and compromises on something I can still do. 5 things why am I grateful to this paranoia:  1. I got to see how my breakdowns really looks like 2. When I handle it I will become much stronger  3. It is fun in some way to find way out of it  4. I get to recover mentally and physically. 5. I get to look at it and practice coming up with only the next step to do  6. I get to listen closely to my feelings and protect myself. 7. I noticed how I don't beat myself down. I see what I did and think what I can do next. That caused me to be scared - I knew the actions.

I came such a long way…  I started as hating the world, people, women. Being jealous over anything. Not believing that life can change. Hating myself to the point of punishing. To the point of cutting my shoulders with knife. How I turned it all around… I love myself fully. I give gifts to myself. I cheer on people ahead of me and rejoice with their victories. Pull people later than me, give them a rope to get to my level faster. I love giving to the world. I love would giving back to me. I love world hurting me - it shows me something, always. I love everything. I am grateful for every moment in my life. I am happy often. And if not - Everything is ok. Mindset is really the most important aspect of life. Self-beliefs and stories shape the life. I am excited to help people get the best mindset ever

This IS my story.  I write it this exact moment.  I don't really know what it will turn out to be. But I know that I damn enjoy writing it. I an excited to see what will come from under the pen of myself.  It is a comforting and thrilling action.  It is with me for life. It IS life. Yesterday was a good proof of the concept of doing something  © .  It really is that simple.  I start with 5 minutes and see how it goes. If after I want and feel myself to continue - go for it. If not - that's ok, some other time.  I trust myself 98% of the time now. Even in laziness. It is ok if I don't do much - then I need it.  I trust myself enough to question and see what works best for that moment. I am grateful for all I have in life.  I can wake up at 3:30, do reflections in candlelight, have a delightful handmade breakfast, enjoy the gym, write my thoughts and share them.  I can enjoy the calmness of early times, listen to soft crackles of fire...

"I want you to steal from me" - that is the theme of today's inspirations.  It mostly applies to ideas and concepts, but to anything else as well.  Firstly - by doing it we add credibility - it matters so much I want it for me.  I wouldn't want shit that I cannot use even as a gift - it will just clutter.  But here I want something that it's hard to have and still going for it. It. Is. Validation. Yesterday was big on realisations.  I don't need to get laid that desperately anymore. I can build up to it.  Doing 1% improvements over time, shaping relationship and eventually I get there. Maybe there are more efficient methods, but I don't see them for now, especially in Serbia.  So I'm happy to take my time, as long as there is progression and I learn much from it. Opening up haven't really clicked yet.  I need to share more personal stuff, my deep and intimate thoughts.  But I will build to it as well. Another idea I want to practice - using m...