Dim Vavi's Daily Journal

Last workday of the year. Last bit of effort. Last coaching of that year too. It all seemed so distant, and now its tomorrow and I broke my heights. I keep switching between being at peace and relaxed, and being pushy to me and strict. It is hand to find a balance, but, guess what - my life will be ok in any way.  Read books, write my philosophies, share experiences.  I have a lot of people to share it with now.  I may certainly fall back to just enjoying what I have for some time.  Will it make me push better after a while?  Probably yeah, it just may take a couple of years.  Which is not bad by itself, I just want it faster.  Would I be willing to put in immense effort? For now I'm not sure. But in some weeks, months - definitely.  I would want to reach others' level.  I get to be among winners all my life from now on

I am at some strange level again.  Focking rollercoaster haha.  I don't know. It is all strange somehow. I find something good, and then it's gone soon and I need to search for it again.  Cabin In the Woods.   And sleep. Use these to move me forward. I think it is time to work on biz, but at the same time - I don't.  Tackling the problem requires effort that I don't want to spend my energy on. For now.  But I probably can do something smaller - maybe think of it and build some momentum. Hanging out with friend, our dancing and listening to music was cool. I didn't have one of these for a long time.  It is hard to accept for me tho, that she drove all the way just to hangout without much purpose.  I'm not sure what I gave her, what was value.  Or maybe I just wouldn't do it myself - "non-productive"

One brick after another - I rebuild myself from the very core. New trust structures. New mind pathways. New way of thinking. Lowest moments may be the ones that add the most. I'm still afraid. To slip up, to lose control, to fall back where I was before. I 'm not so sure of my internal support anymore. It seems like my very nature went against me. If that is so, I need to find way to to reach it, make a stable contact once again. It may also be the case that I just notice things and details I couldn't before. Then it is a sign of clear progress. It is possible.  Taking a red pill once again, now about myself, would certainly cause extreme panic. I guess it's all for the better. Ignorance is bliss. But you cannot make your own path in it. It needs to be overthrown.  My aim is truth, honesty and integrity. It can be applied to me as well as other people. It may also be applied to my reality. To the world. I want to know. You know, I know perfectly well that I won't be...

Yesterday I didn't do much - and it was very useful.  I got to see a lot of fears, share in the group and see where I could improve - that is the power of coaching.  In normal peer groups I would be intimidated to post it - because I kinda have to prove myself there. But in coaching - I paid for it - and I believe I can (and deserve) to receive help. I trust the process - and it helps.  I also noticed how me finally getting laid can push back my progress in other areas, specifically in business. Or maybe it shines light on my mental stuff and ego I better deal with?  Either way, I now see the value in both sides - I thought not having sex is what gave me frustration and distracted from putting in effort. But at the same time it was giving me good focus, more time and energy. I can clearly see now how it may have been beneficial. On the other hand, getting my dating life handled gave me more peace. I feel happier and less pressure -but got to deal with complacency, le...

Persistence is the key.  Not desperation. Not crazy big actions. But small consistent every-day steps, compounded over time.  And doing all I can to stay at peace in the process. I never thought peace would become such an important thing in my life.  "Everything is ok" - one of the many life truths that Andy helped me to understand. It is ok. It is now. It is reality.  There's no point in arguing with it. It is here, immortal and immutable.  Future can be changed. Past - not.  Present can be reframed though, So that is what I will do. There's no point to desperation anymore. I'm higher than it. I transcended over obsessing with failure. I want to turn my head to the future now.  I want to find companions to go with.  And if not - I have myself.