Dim Vavi's Daily Journal

World is shit testing me.  It is absolutely hilarious how in the month and year I declared my peace and gratitude focus life throws a bunch of events at me to test my resolve.  I am grateful for it though.  Previously it would have baffled me, "why" is it happening...  Now I know why - to allow me to be better, to practice exactly what I want.  I accept this gift.   I feel like I should rant a bit though, to get some perspective and insight… Firstly - there are two new girls in a month who wanted sex with me, enjoyed it and my company a lot, and then left.  Why the fuck - I just cannot understand this sudden switch.  Am I lacking something? Do I make some important mistakes? Why is this curse follows me? Secondly - How come these girls have blatant disregard for me, the connection we built and experiences we had. And can just say "It's not for me" and go away at random moment.  Where is the discussion, where is the attempt to compromise?...

It is all gonna be ok.  I guess that I will be my everyday's opening now. I am at peace most of the time.  It is awesome. Life just becomes enjoyable. I need people in my life - it all becomes better.  I can be happy by myself, but what is the point where there's no one to share it with.  I kinda calmed down about dating again.  Connection and intimacy are awesome. I will still look for girls in the background, but it's time to use what I have and refocus on blog, sharing and making money.  It is helping me with mindset and formulating my own philosophies greatly.  I will expand on it with videos and podcasts, especially for learning to talk properly and convey my thoughts.  For now though, writing creates me.

It is all ok. Everything is ok.  No matter what I do, it will be ok.  Nothing really does matter as much as I thought. I am starting to get that "You doesn't really matter to the world" thing.  It is good. Now I can go for whatever I want. Now I can look at my ego, give it a hug, and do the things to bring me fun. And if it will be suffering for some time - well that's the reality. Reality is beautiful no matter what.  Let's go enjoy it. One of my strong desires right now - get laid before the end of the year.  It is very possible. And it will be really meaningful to me. But if that doesn't happen - well, it is reality also.  It will be ok.  I may be frustrated. But ultimately I have myself and my dreams.  It's only up to me to make them happen.

I'm not in the mood to write today entry - I feel fucking drained.  Frustration on my dating adds too much to it. I cannot seem to be able to find girls that I like that are also interested in me sexually. It fuels my sense of unworthiness.  And highlights it as well - it is one of the most important things to work on, and I do.  But in the meantime, it frustrates me so much now.  Over the course of 6 months I had no people, no girls in my life that I really liked. I had some sexual stuff, but they weren't the people I wanted it much - we were too different. I still have my best friend - family for me - the girl that stayed back in Moscow.  I also reconnected to awesome girl I was seeing here 6 months ago.  Now, she IS the girl I'm perfectly happy to be friend with. I trust her, we shared a lot and I really want to grow our relationship further, no matter what exactly it will be.  I want to build it to be sturdy. I won't quit at the first sight of trou...

"I want you to steal from me" - that is the theme of today's inspirations.  It mostly applies to ideas and concepts, but to anything else as well.  Firstly - by doing it we add credibility - it matters so much I want it for me.  I wouldn't want shit that I cannot use even as a gift - it will just clutter.  But here I want something that it's hard to have and still going for it. It. Is. Validation. Yesterday was big on realisations.  I don't need to get laid that desperately anymore. I can build up to it.  Doing 1% improvements over time, shaping relationship and eventually I get there. Maybe there are more efficient methods, but I don't see them for now, especially in Serbia.  So I'm happy to take my time, as long as there is progression and I learn much from it. Opening up haven't really clicked yet.  I need to share more personal stuff, my deep and intimate thoughts.  But I will build to it as well. Another idea I want to practice - using m...

Yesterday was packed to the T.  I had 9 hours of different human contact... FFS.  I was fucking exhausted at the end.  But I saw great progress there. In approaches I stopped chasing after girls - the thing that always gave me frustration. I am ok with starting convo, it takes little energy now, even while I am anxious all the time.  But them not wanting to talk and me thinking that I at least should make it less awkward - it is not for me.  It drains my self-respect.  I say after them - "have a nice day", but do I really want to make that effort to someone who don't want to consider me?  FUCK YES or no… I want to internalize it.  It is no fun for me otherwise.  Trying to convince them to talk to me - why?  I am enough by myself, I don't need to convince her of that.  It feels counterproductive to what I'm trying to believe about myself.   And, fuck.. I have 4 friends now. One from before, and 3 here now, with different areas o...