Dim Vavi's Daily Journal

World is shit testing me.  It is absolutely hilarious how in the month and year I declared my peace and gratitude focus life throws a bunch of events at me to test my resolve.  I am grateful for it though.  Previously it would have baffled me, "why" is it happening...  Now I know why - to allow me to be better, to practice exactly what I want.  I accept this gift.   I feel like I should rant a bit though, to get some perspective and insight… Firstly - there are two new girls in a month who wanted sex with me, enjoyed it and my company a lot, and then left.  Why the fuck - I just cannot understand this sudden switch.  Am I lacking something? Do I make some important mistakes? Why is this curse follows me? Secondly - How come these girls have blatant disregard for me, the connection we built and experiences we had. And can just say "It's not for me" and go away at random moment.  Where is the discussion, where is the attempt to compromise?...

Yesterday I didn't do much - and it was very useful.  I got to see a lot of fears, share in the group and see where I could improve - that is the power of coaching.  In normal peer groups I would be intimidated to post it - because I kinda have to prove myself there. But in coaching - I paid for it - and I believe I can (and deserve) to receive help. I trust the process - and it helps.  I also noticed how me finally getting laid can push back my progress in other areas, specifically in business. Or maybe it shines light on my mental stuff and ego I better deal with?  Either way, I now see the value in both sides - I thought not having sex is what gave me frustration and distracted from putting in effort. But at the same time it was giving me good focus, more time and energy. I can clearly see now how it may have been beneficial. On the other hand, getting my dating life handled gave me more peace. I feel happier and less pressure -but got to deal with complacency, le...

I'm not in the mood to write today entry - I feel fucking drained.  Frustration on my dating adds too much to it. I cannot seem to be able to find girls that I like that are also interested in me sexually. It fuels my sense of unworthiness.  And highlights it as well - it is one of the most important things to work on, and I do.  But in the meantime, it frustrates me so much now.  Over the course of 6 months I had no people, no girls in my life that I really liked. I had some sexual stuff, but they weren't the people I wanted it much - we were too different. I still have my best friend - family for me - the girl that stayed back in Moscow.  I also reconnected to awesome girl I was seeing here 6 months ago.  Now, she IS the girl I'm perfectly happy to be friend with. I trust her, we shared a lot and I really want to grow our relationship further, no matter what exactly it will be.  I want to build it to be sturdy. I won't quit at the first sight of trou...