Dim Vavi's Daily Journal

I don't remember how it was last time, but I enjoy taking this break.  I deserved it. I needed it.  There may be people who are in worse state than me - there always are. But that doesn't diminish what I feel. And anyone who says otherwise is not in contact with inner self. I am almost back in the feeling that it all gonna be ok. It is inevitable. There's just too much time for my memory to focus on.  I am gonna be ok. It is the truth. I am also allowed to share that truth with others. Give value.  I like doing that.

One brick after another - I rebuild myself from the very core. New trust structures. New mind pathways. New way of thinking. Lowest moments may be the ones that add the most. I'm still afraid. To slip up, to lose control, to fall back where I was before. I 'm not so sure of my internal support anymore. It seems like my very nature went against me. If that is so, I need to find way to to reach it, make a stable contact once again. It may also be the case that I just notice things and details I couldn't before. Then it is a sign of clear progress. It is possible.  Taking a red pill once again, now about myself, would certainly cause extreme panic. I guess it's all for the better. Ignorance is bliss. But you cannot make your own path in it. It needs to be overthrown.  My aim is truth, honesty and integrity. It can be applied to me as well as other people. It may also be applied to my reality. To the world. I want to know. You know, I know perfectly well that I won't be...

I feel paranoid - that I cannot even trust myself to do what I need to recover. That is ok, there is some reason for it.  Next step - recover trust. I can do that by listening closely to me and compromises on something I can still do. 5 things why am I grateful to this paranoia:  1. I got to see how my breakdowns really looks like 2. When I handle it I will become much stronger  3. It is fun in some way to find way out of it  4. I get to recover mentally and physically. 5. I get to look at it and practice coming up with only the next step to do  6. I get to listen closely to my feelings and protect myself. 7. I noticed how I don't beat myself down. I see what I did and think what I can do next. That caused me to be scared - I knew the actions.