Dim Vavi's Daily Journal

One brick after another - I rebuild myself from the very core. New trust structures. New mind pathways. New way of thinking. Lowest moments may be the ones that add the most. I'm still afraid. To slip up, to lose control, to fall back where I was before. I 'm not so sure of my internal support anymore. It seems like my very nature went against me. If that is so, I need to find way to to reach it, make a stable contact once again. It may also be the case that I just notice things and details I couldn't before. Then it is a sign of clear progress. It is possible.  Taking a red pill once again, now about myself, would certainly cause extreme panic. I guess it's all for the better. Ignorance is bliss. But you cannot make your own path in it. It needs to be overthrown.  My aim is truth, honesty and integrity. It can be applied to me as well as other people. It may also be applied to my reality. To the world. I want to know. You know, I know perfectly well that I won't be...

Yesterday I didn't do much - and it was very useful.  I got to see a lot of fears, share in the group and see where I could improve - that is the power of coaching.  In normal peer groups I would be intimidated to post it - because I kinda have to prove myself there. But in coaching - I paid for it - and I believe I can (and deserve) to receive help. I trust the process - and it helps.  I also noticed how me finally getting laid can push back my progress in other areas, specifically in business. Or maybe it shines light on my mental stuff and ego I better deal with?  Either way, I now see the value in both sides - I thought not having sex is what gave me frustration and distracted from putting in effort. But at the same time it was giving me good focus, more time and energy. I can clearly see now how it may have been beneficial. On the other hand, getting my dating life handled gave me more peace. I feel happier and less pressure -but got to deal with complacency, le...

I am in relaxation and low effort period. I have some worries that this period is gonna last more than I want it to.  But it іs gonna last as much as it needs.  I am making progress - every day, just a little bit better. If I would not do much this week - it is OK. I know that it will be for a reason then. What I can do is to do a bare minimum.  Then stop and ask myself if I can continue, and if it will make my life better.  That's all it takes to have that small step made.  I made a huge progress yesterday on a date.  I was able to be really honest and straightforward. And nothing bad happened - even more, it was awesome, fun and felt good. I was able to hold her hand. To talk openly about what I want, including boundaries and kissing.  We shared a lot of our experiences with dating. I was really assertive

Andy helped me understand one thing today - I Chose This Life.  It is one of the concepts I used regarding dating before - when I mould see happy couples white having no one, I would be fucking jealous.  Not anymore. I know why I have this life - I made it that way.  I'm not a victim here. It's applies to all life as well. Yesterday I had a dip into complete honesty and transparency.  While talking with a friend we covered personal topics that are really close to us.  I had the urge to be reactive, to hide into my shelf again and pretend I didn't mean that. To dismiss it all and bury my feelings and desires under some new story. That would have been a recipe for a disaster. It would not go anywhere. It would come over and over again. Until it blows in my face...  I did this before.  Not today though. I forced myself to stand tall, accept my emotions and then handle it. I opened up and described my thoughts pretty good.  I'm glad I did it. It is on...

Reflections and being open comes easy in the morning, but I'm scared of it in the evening.  Shows how the morning rituals help. Hard tiredness closes me. Will want to work with it. The most peaceful time of my day - Morning Breakfast at 5AM with almost silent background and candlelights. There's something magical in that. It connects me to some great part, maybe not only me but the world around me.  I want to be open to it. Completely. This idea is not so vivid anymore, but I think it is because of my insecurities. What could be the worst in me posting openly? People can read it, be disgusted and averse.  I will lose clients. Friends. Lovers. Are they the people I want in my life then? If they cannot accept me, truly…  What can I gain from it? Practice being open. Step towards complete honesty. Putting my thoughts out there, allowing them to be noticed. Handling whatever outcome comes out. I think it gives me more than takes. It is a big experiment.