Dim Vavi's Daily Journal

I am at some strange level again.  Focking rollercoaster haha.  I don't know. It is all strange somehow. I find something good, and then it's gone soon and I need to search for it again.  Cabin In the Woods.   And sleep. Use these to move me forward. I think it is time to work on biz, but at the same time - I don't.  Tackling the problem requires effort that I don't want to spend my energy on. For now.  But I probably can do something smaller - maybe think of it and build some momentum. Hanging out with friend, our dancing and listening to music was cool. I didn't have one of these for a long time.  It is hard to accept for me tho, that she drove all the way just to hangout without much purpose.  I'm not sure what I gave her, what was value.  Or maybe I just wouldn't do it myself - "non-productive"

This IS my story.  I write it this exact moment.  I don't really know what it will turn out to be. But I know that I damn enjoy writing it. I an excited to see what will come from under the pen of myself.  It is a comforting and thrilling action.  It is with me for life. It IS life. Yesterday was a good proof of the concept of doing something  © .  It really is that simple.  I start with 5 minutes and see how it goes. If after I want and feel myself to continue - go for it. If not - that's ok, some other time.  I trust myself 98% of the time now. Even in laziness. It is ok if I don't do much - then I need it.  I trust myself enough to question and see what works best for that moment. I am grateful for all I have in life.  I can wake up at 3:30, do reflections in candlelight, have a delightful handmade breakfast, enjoy the gym, write my thoughts and share them.  I can enjoy the calmness of early times, listen to soft crackles of fire...

Just write something.  It's hilarious how when you have no thoughts, and too many - it is the same result - I stop and not write anything.   Like with my yesterday's upload, I need to break that barrier. No matter how inappropriate it would be - it's all a comparison to someone greater.  "They wouldn't upload that shitty" - but what exactly is "shitty" for them, you, me, and everyone who'll read or listen to it?  Is there a 0,1% possibility that it would be helpful to anyone - YES!  Even if it is just to relate and not worry about quality - or be better.  It WILL always serve its purpose. And if not - it served its purpose to me.  I am enough. My thoughts are valuable to me. I am not forcing anyone to listen or read what I say But it is out there now... I allowed myself to be seen. Cuddles are another small cheatcode to life.  I cannot describe what happens, but the intimacy of them recharges my energy - my feminine energy. That thing I need to h...

I am more at peace. I took control of the situation. Still feel drained tho - the lack of lime-off and so many stressful moments show up.  I will make there weekend days really fucking relaxed. I need to unwind.  I will meat with my friend, she can help me go through and regain some energy.  But I won't push myself part the bare minimum - it will be enough. I will do whatever I want, play some games and just be by myself.  I fucking deserved it. This journal in some way causes me aversion when I think of starting.  It is same with other goals too.  I like it in the process - but start is a different thing. I need to pay more attention there - it's a lesson to be learned. What would be good for me?  I usually use this phrase to see where it is better to push myself, even if i don't really want it. Will that action give me something good? Enrich my life?  It helps.  But sometimes, the good longterm thing is to just do whatever you want in the m...

Andy helped me understand one thing today - I Chose This Life.  It is one of the concepts I used regarding dating before - when I mould see happy couples white having no one, I would be fucking jealous.  Not anymore. I know why I have this life - I made it that way.  I'm not a victim here. It's applies to all life as well. Yesterday I had a dip into complete honesty and transparency.  While talking with a friend we covered personal topics that are really close to us.  I had the urge to be reactive, to hide into my shelf again and pretend I didn't mean that. To dismiss it all and bury my feelings and desires under some new story. That would have been a recipe for a disaster. It would not go anywhere. It would come over and over again. Until it blows in my face...  I did this before.  Not today though. I forced myself to stand tall, accept my emotions and then handle it. I opened up and described my thoughts pretty good.  I'm glad I did it. It is on...

I'm not in the mood to write today entry - I feel fucking drained.  Frustration on my dating adds too much to it. I cannot seem to be able to find girls that I like that are also interested in me sexually. It fuels my sense of unworthiness.  And highlights it as well - it is one of the most important things to work on, and I do.  But in the meantime, it frustrates me so much now.  Over the course of 6 months I had no people, no girls in my life that I really liked. I had some sexual stuff, but they weren't the people I wanted it much - we were too different. I still have my best friend - family for me - the girl that stayed back in Moscow.  I also reconnected to awesome girl I was seeing here 6 months ago.  Now, she IS the girl I'm perfectly happy to be friend with. I trust her, we shared a lot and I really want to grow our relationship further, no matter what exactly it will be.  I want to build it to be sturdy. I won't quit at the first sight of trou...

Yesterday was packed to the T.  I had 9 hours of different human contact... FFS.  I was fucking exhausted at the end.  But I saw great progress there. In approaches I stopped chasing after girls - the thing that always gave me frustration. I am ok with starting convo, it takes little energy now, even while I am anxious all the time.  But them not wanting to talk and me thinking that I at least should make it less awkward - it is not for me.  It drains my self-respect.  I say after them - "have a nice day", but do I really want to make that effort to someone who don't want to consider me?  FUCK YES or no… I want to internalize it.  It is no fun for me otherwise.  Trying to convince them to talk to me - why?  I am enough by myself, I don't need to convince her of that.  It feels counterproductive to what I'm trying to believe about myself.   And, fuck.. I have 4 friends now. One from before, and 3 here now, with different areas o...