Dim Vavi's Daily Journal

I am at some strange level again.  Focking rollercoaster haha.  I don't know. It is all strange somehow. I find something good, and then it's gone soon and I need to search for it again.  Cabin In the Woods.   And sleep. Use these to move me forward. I think it is time to work on biz, but at the same time - I don't.  Tackling the problem requires effort that I don't want to spend my energy on. For now.  But I probably can do something smaller - maybe think of it and build some momentum. Hanging out with friend, our dancing and listening to music was cool. I didn't have one of these for a long time.  It is hard to accept for me tho, that she drove all the way just to hangout without much purpose.  I'm not sure what I gave her, what was value.  Or maybe I just wouldn't do it myself - "non-productive"

It is all ok. Everything is ok.  No matter what I do, it will be ok.  Nothing really does matter as much as I thought. I am starting to get that "You doesn't really matter to the world" thing.  It is good. Now I can go for whatever I want. Now I can look at my ego, give it a hug, and do the things to bring me fun. And if it will be suffering for some time - well that's the reality. Reality is beautiful no matter what.  Let's go enjoy it. One of my strong desires right now - get laid before the end of the year.  It is very possible. And it will be really meaningful to me. But if that doesn't happen - well, it is reality also.  It will be ok.  I may be frustrated. But ultimately I have myself and my dreams.  It's only up to me to make them happen.

This IS my story.  I write it this exact moment.  I don't really know what it will turn out to be. But I know that I damn enjoy writing it. I an excited to see what will come from under the pen of myself.  It is a comforting and thrilling action.  It is with me for life. It IS life. Yesterday was a good proof of the concept of doing something  © .  It really is that simple.  I start with 5 minutes and see how it goes. If after I want and feel myself to continue - go for it. If not - that's ok, some other time.  I trust myself 98% of the time now. Even in laziness. It is ok if I don't do much - then I need it.  I trust myself enough to question and see what works best for that moment. I am grateful for all I have in life.  I can wake up at 3:30, do reflections in candlelight, have a delightful handmade breakfast, enjoy the gym, write my thoughts and share them.  I can enjoy the calmness of early times, listen to soft crackles of fire...

I am in relaxation and low effort period. I have some worries that this period is gonna last more than I want it to.  But it іs gonna last as much as it needs.  I am making progress - every day, just a little bit better. If I would not do much this week - it is OK. I know that it will be for a reason then. What I can do is to do a bare minimum.  Then stop and ask myself if I can continue, and if it will make my life better.  That's all it takes to have that small step made.  I made a huge progress yesterday on a date.  I was able to be really honest and straightforward. And nothing bad happened - even more, it was awesome, fun and felt good. I was able to hold her hand. To talk openly about what I want, including boundaries and kissing.  We shared a lot of our experiences with dating. I was really assertive